Hagen passed away next door to me and staying there wasn’t an option. It was too much for his brother, and if I’m honest, too much for me too. I’ve kept my eyes on Jesus, but there have been many times in the last three weeks that I’ve felt my strength diminishing, as if it were bleeding out of me. In those moments, I’ve allowed myself to weep and I’ve forced myself to ask for help. Friends and family have surrounded me and in each embrace, kind word, meal and card I’ve felt the love of the Savior I cried out to. It amazes me that He fills me with His strength like I’ve never known before and when it’s time to grieve, He lifts it just a bit, but then faithfully He fills me back up to complete the task before me. Yesterday after the movers emptied my bedroom, something on the baseboard caught my eye. I got on my hands and knees and saw the word “Alive” written by Hagen. Memories came flooding back. He had lain in my bedroom floor talking to me last fall and I saw him write it. I remember being irritated, but chose not to say anything because we were having a good conversation and I didn’t want to spoil it. A few weeks later, I rearranged the bedroom furniture and forgot about it.
In that empty bedroom, on my hands and knees, it was just me and Hagen and one word. ALIVE. I wondered what was going through his head when he wrote it. The Lord showed me that in that one simple word he was fighting to be the man he wanted to be. He was fighting to be the son he wanted to be. He was fighting to step into his purpose and destiny. The emotions I felt were indescribable and in that moment I no longer wanted to move, as if that word was my anchor to my son. Jesus allowed me to feel every bit of my loss, but then, just as quickly as it came, the sorrow left. I smiled through my tears, rubbed my hand across it and said “I know you are, baby.” Neither of us knew when he took a pen to my baseboard that in just a short time we would be separated.
But Jesus did.
And He knew that on a stormy Saturday afternoon, when I was feeling overwhelmed and worn out, that one word would fill me with all things, hope. Only Jesus can do that! Jeremiah 29:11 tells us He has plans to prosper us, not harm us, to give us HOPE and a future. I received immeasurable hope in that bedroom floor straight from heaven. Hope for those that have lost all hope. Hope for those that believe their identity is what they are labeled as. Hope for those that are just waiting for someone to show them His love. There will be many hard days ahead of me, but they will not consume me. I walked out of that bedroom for the last time....ALIVE. #HagensArmy #lovebig