There are so many beautiful things in my life that bring joy I don’t deserve and yet there is an underlying sadness that will never loosen its grasp on my heart. That sadness is the reason I never make plans for the month of March, like, ever, because I never know where my head is going to be or when the tears are going to flow. This year I made an exception and agreed to participate on a panel at the Arkansas Faith Recovery Conference. The last thing I wanted to do as I approached the transition from saying “he’s been gone two years” to having to choke on the words “he’s been gone THREE years”, was talk about him. I didn’t think I could do it without breaking down. If I can’t do it alone in the car, how in the world would I do it in front of a sold out conference?? Key word - FAITH. My faith - my relationship with the One who has sustained me every moment of every day since the moment I said goodbye - is the most precious gift I’ve been given, and regardless of the month or the day or the heaviness that I carry in the midst of even the most joyous day, it never waivers. He gave me a purpose that doesn’t yield to sorrow, and when I don’t have the strength He only asks for my “yes” and He always gets it. Today I thought my “yes” would be work. I thought I would have to dig deep to find the love to share, the encouraging words to speak and honestly, I thought I would have to fight to smile, and man, I was terrified that I would break down in those dreaded tears that cannot be stopped. But that isn’t what happened. Instead, I walked into a room full of believers that had one purpose - to love like He loves and in the presence of 400 people who had received His touch on their lives, I found healing and JOY and celebration. I had no idea that I was saying yes to blessings He had in store for me. The stories that were shared with me reminded me that my willingness to listen was the ear that someone had been praying for. His ear. I was reminded that my impulse to hug anyone and everyone were His arms around them, and in turn His arms around me. I was reminded that broken people who have been lovingly pieced backed together are no longer broken. I was reminded that we are all recovering from something and I believe with my whole heart we need each other to recover. Most importantly I was reminded of His unwavering love and attention He gives to each of us. On this Saturday in the dreaded month of March, despite the enemy’s attempt to stop me before I ever got started by blowing out my knee, I got my blessings. They are going to carry me through this month with a genuine smile on my face and a genuinely happy and hopeful heart. The sweetest hug I got today from Heaven and Hagen was running into Shane Leistikow. He preached at Hagen’s Celebration of Life and I haven’t seen him since. As I left the stage, I saw him from across the room and lost my breath. It was like seeing Hagen in a crowded room. God is good and so very faithful to give us exactly what we need, even when we have no idea we need it. Because I said “yes”. Arkansas Recovery Community, I love you so BIG and I’m so thankful that He uses you to help me recover. Can’t wait until next year. 
