I haven’t kept up with the exact number of days since Hagen left. Some people do, I just haven’t. Tomorrow will be three months without him for me, but for him it’s been three months with Jesus. I don’t know if time stood still on March 19th or if it sped up but tomorrow is already hard. Weston laughed earlier and it sounded just like Hagen. It was so surreal but so warm and beautiful as if in that instant he was sitting next to us. I miss him. There’s no way not to. I consider the indescribable beauty he’s in the presence of, and the unimaginable joy he is surrounded by and I am genuinely happy for him. I often wonder what he’s doing...who he’s talking to...who he’s learning from.
I wonder and I smile.
I miss and I cry.
Life has gone on since he went home, and I’m so glad it has. We’ve gone through so many changes since that day and while not all of them were expected, the Lord has worked them all out so that there is still peace and joy and happiness in the midst of the loss. His presence was impossible to ignore and so is his absence. But, we press on with his absence just as much a part of us as his presence was.
He’s in Weston’s laugh.
He’s in the heartbeat of his unborn son.
He’s in the smile of my sweet daughter-in-love.
He’s in the source of our pain and in the unwavering devotion to the movement to stop it all.
It’s incredible to me that he is missing but still present.
I don’t know why some days are harder than others since the loss is there regardless of the day, but tomorrow is already hard. Maybe it’s because it’s the 19th. Maybe because it’s Wednesday. Maybe because it’s been 3 months. Maybe it’s because it’s another day without a hug. Or maybe it’s just because it’s a day that ends in “y” and there’s no rhyme or reason to any of it because grief can hijack just about anything.
Ok, Grief, you can have Wednesday, but after that, I’ve got work to do, people to love and encourage, walls to tear down, a community to build up, statements to make and a loving God leading the way.
And you, Grief, are no match for any of that!