The funeral home suggested writing letters to place in Hagen’s casket as a form of closure for us. I remember thinking “I’m not writing a letter that Hagen will never read.” I had no intention of writing anything, but as I started texting a dear friend, I felt the Holy Spirit leading me to share with more than just that friend. I didn’t ask why because I’ve learned that when we follow His lead, He has gone before us. It started out just remembering who Hagen was and ended becoming a declaration...a war cry from a momma that watched her baby suffer and from a daughter of the King who sees all of His children suffering. Hagen’s story isn’t unique, and why God chose my words to make an impact is beyond me. What an honor though! That declaration to fight was as deep as the love I have for the son that I lost, and the Spirit used it to stir that same passion in literally thousands of others. The messages and comments are precious to me. Parents, grandparents and siblings are brave enough to share their heartbreaking stories with me. Some are so much worse than Hagen’s. Stories of churches shunning them, being told they were bad parents, and that their children couldn’t have been saved or they would have beaten their addiction. Numerous mommas have shared that they lost not one, but all of their children and sadly most of the response has been that their children are in active addiction and lost to them. These precious people have said “I will fight”. To all of you who’ve said you will fight, let me encourage you by saying YOU ARE!
Yesterday was 2 weeks since Hagen left us and it was, by far, the hardest day for me so far. Having faith doesn’t exclude you from tremendous pain. Without that pain, faith can’t grow. If we don’t have the moments that make us say “I can’t do it”, then we don’t give Jesus a chance to say “I’ll do it for you.” My faith has grown from the mustard seed of hoping He is who He says He is to knowing that I know He will move on my behalf - not because I deserve it, but because His love and compassion and concern for me is so deep! The mustard seed that Jesus said could move mountains will move mountains! To the mommas that were told that their children couldn’t have known Jesus or they would have beat their addictions - do NOT listen to that heinous lie from hell. DO NOT! I found this sketch going through Hagen’s things and I want to share it with you that are struggling with this lie. He professed His love for Christ. He knew the power of faith. But he was human in a fallen world as your babies were.