It’s Mother’s Day Weekend and I really wanted to post an encouraging word for other mommas that face this day, but if I tried to be encouraging it would be a shallow attempt. I’m not ok. I’m trying to be, but no matter how much I smile and laugh with Weston, there’s a sadness that will not let go. No matter how many times I remind myself that Hagen is well and happy and whole, it remains. No matter how many times I remind myself that I still have TWO sons, it doesn’t change the fact that the one that first called me momma isn’t going to be here.
That creates in me contradicting emotions. I am genuinely happy for Hagen! I’m happy that he’s alive and going about the business of Heaven. I’m glad all of his sadness is gone. I’m joyful because he’s full of joy. But I am sad because I won’t get a hug from him or get to hear my boys bickering about who their favorite is.
I am so jealous of Heaven.
The hardest part about this weekend is not letting the sadness at the loss of one son affect the precious time I have with the other. It is an internal tug of war between acknowledging what is missing and enjoying and appreciating what is right in front of me. I know there are others that know this fine line.
I could start an entirely different blog about how amazing my sweet Weston is. The shenanigans are never ending and the laughter is non-stop. The Lord created such a gem in this child. Even though I’ve got that game face on to hide what I feel, he sees through it because he sees with his heart. He recognizes what tomorrow is and that it is difficult for me. There have more hugs than usual and the random "I love you, mom". Each one causes my heart to swell.
We made a promise to each other years ago that there would be no secrets. I’m going to honor that promise and let the tears caused by loss come, because I do miss his brother. But I’m going to embrace that boy and squeeze him until he can’t breathe and look into those beautiful blue eyes and say thank you. Thank you for being so strong. Thank you for being so compassionate and lovable. Thank you for the sacrifices you have made because God chose me for you. He’s had to watch his mom go through a lot and I know many, many times he’s felt lost in the shadow of his older brother.
This Mother’s Day will be our first together and I guarantee you that he’s going to wake up in the morning and claim the title of “favorite son”. There won’t be any bickering because it will be uncontested for the first time. And that’s ok. He’s earned it. He’s paid a high price for it.
Moms, if I have any words of encouragement for you, it’s to let your heavenly babies celebrate for you, while you celebrate with the ones before you. We have so much to be thankful for!