All day today I’ve been somewhat anxious, but I wasn’t able to pinpoint exactly what was causing my “ok” to be less than ok. The calendar says it’s the 19th, which is a date to cause some pain because it’s been a month but I didn’t realize what the date was until about an hour ago, so that wasn’t it. I knew it was Good Friday, but the only reason I knew that was because school was out and Facebook told me. I’ve been in a state of “not ok” for a few days - not great, but not devastated and wallowing in grief.
Just. Not. Ok.
I have had many good days since Hagen left. Actually there have been far more of those days than these, but these do come, and I do my best to hold tightly to Jesus’s hand and ride it out. He’s faithful like that. He won’t let go and he makes sure that I don’t and together we get through them. I come out on the other side with more peace, revelation, love and faith. I tend to over analyze and get lost in my thoughts and being an over thinker, I’ve had plenty to overthink lately. This evening, after trying all day to figure out what my soul was wrestling with, Jesus gently led me into a “duh” moment. There’s an emoji for that moment and it looks like this 🤦🏻♀️. I knew it was Good Friday but I didn’t realize it was GOOD Friday. It’s like seeing the date on a calendar and knowing it’s significant but not being able to put your finger on why it’s significant until the end of the day and you realize it’s a dear friend's birthday. In my over thinking I missed something BIG. Huge actually.
The day that another Son suffered.
The day that another Parent suffered.
The day that what that Father sent that Son to do was finished.
The day death was defeated.
In my suffering, I forgot His, even though He's been with me all day. My suffering was not forgotten. On this Good Friday, because of that Good Friday, Jesus has felt every ounce of my pain, collected every tear that I have shed, comforted me and held me on my first Easter Weekend, minus one. How amazing it is to me that MY son is with THE Son that suffered for him on THAT Good Friday. I'm going to allow myself to be sad today because I miss him and that's what momma's do. But I will not wallow and I will not be sorrowful because Sunday is coming and on that day, while I stand in awe and wonder at the resurrection of the King, Hagen will be standing with Him! That death and that resurrection means that this sad day will end! It means tomorrow is a new day with new mercy and new grace! It means I will see Hagen face to face again one day! It is hard to allow sorrow to hang around very long with that assurance. The "duh moment" I had tonight flooded my weary soul with light that chased away the darkness trying to take hold. My prayer for you all this Easter weekend is that your families will be filled with joy and that you will see each other with new eyes. That every moment will be full of laughter and that your hearts would be overwhelmed with the love of the Savior.
Today is Good Friday....but Sunday's coming.