Grief Gave Me ADD
November 11, 2021

I think grief has given me ADD.  Seriously.  Before this chapter of my life, I was an avid reader to the point of starting and finishing a book in one rainy day.  There was something about getting lost in another time or place, and stepping into a story that was comforting to me.  Then, I could read a book in a day.  Now, I struggle to concentrate long enough to read a news article.  

Good book, bad book, doesn’t matter.  It’s just words streamed together one after the other after the other and what was that noise?   More words.  Did I pay the electric bill?  Words words words words.  I wonder if Weston took out the trash.  More words.  Did I answer that email? Wooooordssss and then the realization that I’ve made a mental list, stressed myself out and I have no clue what I just read.  

Every.  Time.  Y’all. 

There are days I would LOVE to lose myself in the pages of a novel.  There are days that I would LOVE to be able to retain information pertaining to something other than Fentanyl and the number of people dying.  And most days I just really want to pick up the Word and get lost in His promises. 

It’s been over two years now, getting close to three since I read His Book, or anything else.  Yes.  Really.  What I have is what’s written on my heart, along with some amazing podcasts and sermons, and Google.  Grief has stolen from me my ability to concentrate on the words of His word and the joy of writing in the margins what is revealed along the way.  In the process of trying to get it back, I’ve beaten myself up because The Book, my FAVORITE book, might as well be written in a foreign language.  It’s the highest form of worship and I just can’t do it. 

Why am I going on and on about reading?  Because it’s one of many things that are gone as a result of that cold day in March.  I literally have more peace about Hagen being gone than I do about not being able to read my Bible.  As a “good” Christian, I am duty bound to read it daily, right?   I’m pushing 1,000 consecutive days of falling flat on my face.   That would also be close to 1,000 days of being grossly disappointed in myself.  Until today. 

Today I stood in the middle of a field looking at the incredible foliage that we are blessed with in the Ozarks this time of year.  I heard the birds singing to one another and listened to the sound of the wind rustling the leaves in the trees.  I smelled the fresh air and watched baby calves running and kicking as if they were on a playground.  I tilted my head towards the sky and felt the radiance of the sun.  I stood still in the middle of worship and I immersed myself in it. 

He knows these new found limitations and frustrations.  He knows I’m doing the best that I can.  He knows I’m one hot mess of a human being that loves Him with every atom in my body that simply cannot focus on the words on a page.  So what does He do?   He brings scripture that I have a hard time reading to life and leads me to the center of it. 

“For you shall go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and the hills before you shall break forth into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.  Isaiah 55:12

I worshipped with The Word and with nature today!  And because I did, I’m going to stop beating myself up because as a Christian I am not pulling my weight.   I’m going to stop getting frustrated with myself because of my performance.   I’m going to rest in the promise that the word is written on my heart and I’m going to sit in awe and amazement at the fact He loves me anyway and will remind me again and again and again that the Word is ALIVE and I get to walk in it.  That’s a lot of “ands” and one heckuva run-on, but when you are set free from the burden of guilt you don’t wanna take a breath or add a period! 

I’m going to keep carrying my Bible with me as if it were an accessory to every outfit, and with it the assurance that one day, hopefully soon, I’ll be able to pick it up and get lost again.  Until then, the podcasts, sermons and yes, even Google will suffice.  And now, I’m a member of a Worship Team I didn’t even realize existed until today. 

Oh, and, Grief, if you’re keeping score, He beat you again!

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