When I was a little girl, I used to lay my head in my mom’s lap when I wasn’t feeling good. She would stroke my hair or rub my ear and just loved on me. It always made me feel better.
The first of the week was a dark and dismal hole. I felt worse than I ever have in my entire life. I needed a lap and some love so, like a little girl, I laid my head in the lap of Jesus while I wept. I knew He was there feeling my pain and comforting me. I can’t imagine how deep that hole would have been had He not been there. I don’t even want to think about it.
Yes, it’s natural to weep and sometimes just shut down for a minute after you’ve lost someone you love so dearly. I know that, but I don’t like it. I hate the pain. I hate not having control of my emotions. If my emotions are controlling me, my resolve is weakened and my peace takes a backseat to fear and loneliness and sorrow. I had to feel all of that because it is mine, and mine alone. No one else knows what it feels like to lose Hagen the way I lost him. No one else carried him for 9 months. No one else was his momma. It’s a precious pain, but I hate it.
I stayed there, in His lap, for quite some time - days actually, because it was the only place I wanted to be. There was no one and no thing that could take what I needed to give, so I gave it to Him. I gave all of my heartbreak because it was too much for me and it was unbearable. I gave and He received. As He stroked my hair, He reminded me that there is a beautiful valley waiting for me. He assured me that He heard my cries and that He was going to calm the storm raging in my heart. He took the fear, pain and sorrow from me and He calmed that storm as if it had never happened. Because He is so faithful and compassionate, He gave me something in return. My peace was restored in greater measure. My resolve returned with more intensity and direction. The sorrow and loneliness was replaced with joy and comfort. He gave and I received.
I didn’t change a thing about me. I couldn’t because I had absolutely no control over it, but I know the One that the wind and waves obey. If He says BE STILL, they will be still. Especially the ones inside of me. My son died two months ago, and I feel better than I have in years. Yes, years. Life was breathed into these dry, weary, brittle bones of mine right there in His lap.
If you haven’t placed your head in that lap and just let Him stroke your hair as you pour out all that is wearing you down, if you haven’t had that intimate moment of trust with Him, find a big couch or a comfy bed and give Him that opportunity. He said He would never forsake us. He said He would calm the storm. He said He would heal the broken hearted. He said He would comfort those that mourn. He said He would replace the mourning with joy. He said to lay our burdens on Him. He’s got a big lap and He’s waiting to do what He said. If you give, He will receive. And if you’re willing to receive, He has something to give in return.