I don’t know who this is for tonight, but someone must need it. It isn’t at all what I was going to share with you, but He changed my direction, so let’s see where this goes.
One of the most beautiful things about being Hagen’s mom is the faith I have today. Had he not been who he was and made the decisions he made, my faith wouldn’t be what it is. I don’t know if I ever told him that. The beautiful thing about having faith of any measure is that it will continuously grow if you let it. My faith carried me through having a troubled little boy, a teenager filled with angst, and a young man trying to defeat the demons that pursued him most of his life. My faith assured me that the demons weren’t the only ones in pursuit and the One that chose Him had the power to defeat those demons. My faith enabled me to trust that God would take better care of my baby than I ever could. My faith is more than just faith. It is a gift that was bought and paid for and handed to me, but I had to receive it. I had to believe it. I had to trust it.
Hagen trusted my faith more than his own and would call me to ask me to pray for one of his friends or a situation he was in. I’d tell him God could hear his prayers just as well as mine, but to him it wasn’t the same. He trusted my faith more than he trusted me, his mom, and actually told me that! My faith was and is simply this... I know Jesus. It isn’t better than anyone else’s, because Jesus is the same regardless.
I think those times that Hagen asked me to pray instead of praying himself, he was in a spot that a lot of us find ourselves in. We think this mistake or that choice is too big for Him to forgive. We’re ashamed, embarrassed, feeling unworthy and afraid to pray because God is surely mad and doesn’t want to hear from us. I was there once. So full of guilt and condemnation that I hid my face. Neither guilt, nor condemnation are from God. Jesus told us he didn’t come into the world to condemn it, but to save it. He ministered to those with guilt and condemnation with love, mercy and grace. If He saw the tax collectors, prostitutes and thieves with eyes of love, He most definitely sees us with the same eyes. There is no sin that will separate you from His love, apart from not believing in Him. Psalm 103 tells us “he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.” Let that sink in. By not praying, you are only hurting yourself more. You are inhibiting what He will do on your behalf, not because you deserve it, but because He loves you! Once you get to a point where you believe that, your life is radically changed, and you can walk through the most difficult situations, including losing a child, with peace and joy and the ability to look to heaven for help.
Many people have commented on my faith. I’m so thankful that it’s obvious to you and that to some, it defines me. I’m ok with that. Actually, I’m great with that because if you see my faith, you see my Jesus. What I have isn’t exclusive. It isn’t just for me. Please do not simply wish you had more faith. Pursue it. In doing that, you are pursuing the One that will be the source of that faith. If you are in a season of life that you feel separated from Him, take back what was promised to you and if you don’t know what to pray, simply say “Jesus”. That’s a prayer guys! Darkness flees at the sound of His name and once that happens your prayers can flow. Peace can come. Situations can turn around. Pain can subside. Fear can disappear. Strength can begin to emerge. All of these things can happen, but you have to ask for it. It’s my prayer that each person that reads this, regardless of whether it’s 10 or 100, will be stirred to lean on their Savior, and to let Him love them. That whatever has kept you from talking to Him would fall away and that this would be the moment that your faith would start to grow.