We made funeral arrangements yesterday and I wrote my son’s obituary last night. He’s dead. His body will be moved from the crime lab to the funeral home today. I have heard people say that part of their heart was missing after they lost a loved one but mine is still there intact. It’s aching in a way it never has before, but still full of love and wonder and awe, but it isn’t the same. If anything it has healed. My baby didn’t die by some random act of violence or a car wreck. He wasn’t diagnosed with a fatal illness that doctors couldn’t treat. He loved all of us blessed to be in his life fiercely, but he never figured out how to love himself.
He was beautiful and bright and bold and genuine, and he saw the world so much differently than most. He wanted to save the world and had dreams of being a missionary in the countries that would behead you if you were caught.
He was also an addict.
He fought it and fought it and fought it, but he couldn’t beat it. The devil nipped at his heels constantly and tried to shake his faith but that never happened. He would take 10 steps into freedom and the enemy would push him back 20. He always got up to fight again. Always. The enemy of our souls wanted to drag my boy to hell, but Hagen, even in His darkest hours, proudly proclaimed Jesus.
My son is victorious.
My son is free.
My son is whole, he has peace and finally knows joy.
Hagen lost the battle to addiction, as have far too many before him, but what he has gained is something I have yet to experience, but will someday. The Lord told me some time ago when I was praying for him that the devil would have no victory in Hagen’s life. And he doesn’t. He has no victory in Hagen’s life or in mine. No, I didn’t lose a piece of my heart. If anything, it’s stronger now because it took a beating each and every time my boy suffered. It’s healed and whole and now beats with passion.
Hagen’s done fighting the enemy, but I’m not. He’s not coming after me. I’m going after him. I’m tired of these precious young people living their hell on earth. The devil and his demons fentanyl, heroin, coke, meth, and all of their little pill minions do not know what they are in for. I’m coming and I’m bringing other mommas and daddys and brothers and sisters with me. For each one you try to take, we will introduce 100 to Jesus. For each one you hiss lies to, we will shout the Truth. There is an army coming after YOU. It’s heaven’s army with King Jesus in front.
I got this Hagen. You prepared me for it, baby. I know you didn’t want to leave us and I know you wouldn’t want anyone else going out like this. You get in the front row and watch. You’re gonna be proud of us all.
I love you