Have you ever seen a movie where a character is standing still on a busy sidewalk as people pass by on either side moving so fast they are a blur?
That’s me right now.
There is so much activity all around me, all of it important and all of it is out of my control. Although I’ve appeared to be juggling it, I feel as though I am standing still. Don’t misunderstand me, I am ok. I’m just at a loss as to how to process this activity. Is this my life??? Did that happen, followed by That followed by THAT followed by T.H.A.T????
Y’all should hear my prayers lately. What were once deep conversations with my Savior, have gone to the most elementary of requests to basically grunts. For someone who leans 1000% on the Savior and cherishes the intimacy and the quiet place with Him, grunts are not acceptable. In the midst of this chaotic sidewalk I am standing still, unable to adequately make my requests known to the One that can speak into the chaos and berating myself for my lack of communication with Him. The enormity of the chaos is overwhelming. I have not created it. It is not a result of poor decisions or going left when I should have gone right or ignoring the still small Voice. I have literally had nothing to do with this insanity. It’s as if I woke up one day in an alternate universe with someone else’s life. Same cast, different movie set, and the director forgot to give me the script.
That’s the way it looks with physical eyes, but with spiritual eyes, I know there is a plan and this is all part of the story. I know that the Director is handing me the script page by page and that He knows every scene from beginning to end because He wrote it. I didn’t audition for this part. He chose me for it because He knew I would be perfect for it. Some scenes are a comedy, some are a tragedy, but all together it’s a masterpiece.
This scene - the sidewalk scene - is the most challenging yet. The Director doesn’t NEED my input, my suggestions, or my requests. What He wants is for me to trust that He knows what He is doing and to leave the directing to Him.
In this stillness, He knows my heart. He knows my fears and my anxieties. He knows my weaknesses and my strengths. He knows what I am capable of, and what I absolutely cannot handle. He knows better than I do, and because He knows, it’s ok that I can’t articulate how I am feeling or what I need. The fact is, I don’t know what this feeling is or what I need because THIS is completely foreign to me. These are emotions that I have never experienced before and therefore cannot put into words. My inability to articulate with words is not going to be a tool the enemy uses to make me feel as though I am not praying hard enough. I do not need words to worship. I do not need words to trust. I do not need words to stay in communion with the lover of my soul. I do not need words to communicate with the One that knows me better than I know myself. I do not need words to have faith. I do not need words to have hope. And neither do you. Being still before the Lord means being quiet. It’s ok to just be. It’s ok to not know. It’s ok to simply trust, with no requests, no petitions, and no idea what to ask for. The beautiful thing about the Holy Spirit is He picks up the slack. He’s got it.
So here I am. Standing still and quiet in the midst of the chaos. My God is not the God of chaos. That belongs to the other one, and the other one has no authority over those of us covered by The Blood. I have my chaos, the blurs passing on either side of me and you have yours. It’s ok to stand and wait for direction. Stand still, have faith and above all, don't lose HOPE. His word tells us that those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength, they will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
I’m going to stand here silently hoping and then I’m going to soar.