We have a family member that has to be kept tucked away. No, we aren’t mad at him, and no he isn’t hiding. He’s been with us since 1998 and has been a faithful companion and really deserves much better than what we have to offer him, but it’s out of love that we keep him nestled away, far from the effects of aging. He joined us when Hagen was just two years old, a gift from my mother, and they became the best of friends. They went on walks, watched TV, wrestled around and snuggled up together every night. Their favorite show to watch was Barney and Friends, of course, and the star of the show always sat right next to Hagen. It was fun watching my little three foot dude tote around his little 3 foot Buddy and I always got a kick of how attached Hagen was to him.
We had to give Barney a “bath” on more than one occasion, and I won’t lie, it was quite traumatic for all three of us. I put him in a pillow case and washed him on the gentle setting but both Hagen and I were nervous wrecks the entire time. He feared Barney would drown. I feared Barney would fall apart. Barney seemed to do ok.
He was just “Barney” until Hagen had to have eye surgery. Naturally, he went with us because when you’re going to have a scary surgery, you want your best friend by your side. I worried that they wouldn’t let us take him in because of germs or what-not, but not only did Barney get to go, he also got his own set of scrubs! Any parent that has ever had to endure watching your baby get wheeled away from you down a hospital corridor knows that overwhelming feeling of helplessness, but Hagen was ok because Barney was at his side. He was fine. His momma, not so much. I paced and prayed and prayed and paced and when they finally allowed me to see him after the procedure, I couldn’t help but laugh. There in that bed was my tiny little guy wearing an eye patch, and next to him was Barney wearing a matching one! They both went home that day wearing their scrubs and eye patches, and from that day forward, Hagen called him Dr. Barney.
Dr. Barney was right next to Hagen a few years later when he had to have his tonsils out and even had to undergo a few “procedures” himself. He had to get “stitches” a time or two, and even had a little plastic surgery to replace some batting that had come out during an unfortunate incident with the dog, but they were always there for each other. As happens, Barney’s person outgrew him. It was a little sad for me not to see the two of them together, but I made sure Barney had a bird’s eye view of the goings on from the top of Hagen’s closet. I dreamt of the day his children would be able to lug Dr. Barney around. I didn’t know that I would be the one needing his comfort before them.
I pulled his faithful friend out when Hagen left for boot camp. I didn’t mind that he was a little lumpy and I slept with him each night until Hagen graduated and I pulled him out again in March 2019. By this time, he was safely stored in a container in the back of my closet, but he was once again there ready to be held and ready to provide comfort. I slept with him for months after Hagen left us, and when I felt like it was time to put him away, I just couldn’t bear placing him in a container again. He meant too much and had walked us through so much that he just didn’t deserve that, so I placed him in an antique gentlemen’s closet in my room surrounded by some of Hagen’s clothes. He isn’t forgotten, but I don’t think of him much.
Until tonight. Declan has finally discovered Barney and Friends, and while I would love to be able to allow him to enjoy Dr. Barney’s friendship, he is almost a sacred artifact of life “before”. As I sat there watching the very same show that I used to watch with Hagen, I expected to feel a sense of nostalgia or even a little joy, but I didn’t. Declan loved it and I wanted to enjoy the fact that it appears that he loves it as much as his daddy did, but I felt only pain. I remembered the precious little boy that I watched the show with 20 years ago and all of the memories of their friendship came rushing back. That purple dinosaur punched me right in my heart. As Declan sang and danced and yelled to Barney that the puppy was BEHIND him, I missed the little boy that was the first to call me mommy. Twenty-two years played out during two episodes of a children’s program, and I was left with an aching heart, a tear stained face and an overwhelming desire to hold Dr. Barney.
That’s what grief will do.
Take innocence and joy and turn it to pain.
Even though it hurt me tonight, I will sit and watch that show with Declan as many times as it takes for it not to hurt. I will sing the songs that drove me crazy when his daddy was little and I will get up and dance. It may take me a few times, but the enemy isn’t going to take that fun from either of us.
I’m more than likely going to sleep with Dr. Barney tonight. He doesn’t have his scrubs or his eye patch anymore, but he still has his scars. And I have mine. Both of us proudly display them because they were placed there unintentionally by a boy that we both love dearly.
