I used to accuse Hagen of having selective hearing. I would yell across the house, get no response, and then have to go to where he was to make myself heard. But if I whispered something on a telephone call, the child would hear every word he wasn’t supposed to hear. In short, he heard what he wanted to hear. I’m starting to think that I may have selective grieving. Something has been going on with me that I haven’t been able to make sense of. Most days I’m very focused and can go a hundred miles an hour from one task to the next with ease. What I do is fueled by something deep inside of me that knows this work is important and it has to be done and it honestly brings me great joy. But there are times, like now, when the inner drive is inexplicably gone like it was never there. Some thing is off and I don’t feel like me. I’m just blah and having to fake it until I make it, so to speak, all the while trying to figure out what flipped the switch. For the last few days the get up and go, the drive, the focus, the energy just isn’t there. All of the things necessary for me to do what I want to do, what I need to do, all of that energy has turned inward, and I’ve finally I realized what was going on. Selective grieving. I have a beautiful peace and acceptance that my son isn’t here. I don’t like it, but I do accept it. I made a conscious decision years ago that I would live life and not just survive it. I decided that grief was not going to dictate my days, and even though it shouts from across the house, I choose not to hear it. That may not be the healthiest way to deal with my loss, but it does help me live life. Apparently, grief has been yelling louder than usual for awhile and I’ve done my level best to ignore it.
“It’s October!” “His birthday is coming up!” “He would be turning 27!” “It’s the fifth birthday without him!” “Your son is dead!” I’ve been ignoring the yelling because I have the aforementioned peace and acceptance but the effort I’ve put into ignoring it has taken a toll on me without me realizing it. This morning while I was trying to figure out what has knocked me off my game, grief finally whispered its persistent message and I chose to hear it. I had to. You see, choosing to live as opposed to survive means that all of the feelings and emotions of being human have to be allowed to be felt. Even if it’s grief. Even if it hurts. If it isn’t reckoned with, grief will manifest itself in other ways, and that’s exactly what’s been going on with me. Because I chose not to hear it shouting, it made sure that I knew it was there in other ways. I finally had to lean in and hear it’s whisper and all that I had been ignoring finally had to be felt. I allowed the ache. I allowed myself to cry. I allowed myself to miss my sweet boy until I couldn’t breathe. I allowed myself to grieve the fact that he won’t turn 27 because he’s forever 22. And while feeling all of the darkness of grief, I also allowed myself to hear another Whisper. This Whisper said… “When burdens, even grief, are too heavy for you to carry, I will carry them for you” “My love and concern for you cannot be measured” “I’ll never leave you or forsake you” “I’m near to the broken-hearted” “I collect your tears as they fall” “When you are weak, I am your strength” “You, and Hagen, were born for such a time as this, and I have a plan and purpose for your pain” That treasured Whisper has sustained me each and every day since I said goodbye, but It knew that grief’s whisper had to first be heard and I had to allow myself to recognize the emptiness that my loss left inside of me so that It could fill me back up. And it did. Yes, it’s October, and yes, he has a birthday this month, but, so do I! Yes, he is forever 22, but his death is not in vain, and it is being used daily to help ease the pain of others! Yes, it will be my 5th birthday without him, but it will be his 5th in paradise, and I am so jealous! Yes, he is “dead”, but only in this realm and I WILL see him again and get to spend eternity getting to know him all over again! He and I have work to do and now that grief has been dealt with, we’re doing to get started on it. I’m going to have to do a better job of leaning into the whispers. Both of them.
#HopeMovement #selectivegrieving #stillsmallwhisper
