No matter what you’ve heard, there’s no “right way” to mourn.
Most of us have heard of the idea that grief has five distinct stages: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and, finally, Acceptance.
It’s comforting to believe that recovery after a profound loss is as easy as following the steps, like a ladder that can be climbed, rung by rung, to reach healing. But, like a lot of what happens after we lose someone, the truth about grief is often a lot more complicated.
While the individual facets of the classic five stages of grief can be helpful in understanding the grieving process, most experts now appreciate that grief is a highly-personal journey that rarely fits into tidy stages.
A BROADER VIEW OF GRIEF
Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced the Five Stages of Grief in her 1969 book “On Death and Dying.” Developed based on her work with terminally-ill patients, the five stages were eventually applied more broadly to grief and grieving in general.
While many grieving people do experience some or all of the feelings Kübler-Ross outlined, it’s now understood that those feelings are almost never experienced in order, or only once. Instead, healing after a loss is always a unique and often somewhat disorderly process.
Here’s five things to keep in mind about grieving and the “Stages of Grief”:
THERE’S NO “WRONG WAY” TO MOURN: Just because you don’t experience grief the way you expect, that doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. As long as your feelings and coping mechanisms don’t hurt you or others and you’re open to accepting help when you need it, you’re doing just fine. Just remember: personal wellbeing can be hard to judge when you’re grieving, so be sure to listen to healthcare providers and trusted friends if they express concern.
GRIEF ISN’T LINEAR: Back in the early ’70s, the Five Stages of Grief helped millions of Americans feel more comfortable with their emotions during mourning. The downside was they also cemented the idea of grief as an orderly set of distinct steps that mentally-healthy people follow to reach “acceptance” after a death. In reality, healing after a loss isn’t a series of dance moves like doing the funky chicken. It’s a process that may involve intense feelings at different times, sometimes even years later.
IT’S OKAY TO HAVE “RELAPSES”: As you work through your grief, don’t fall into the trap of beating yourself up if you have a temporary run-in with anger, regret or depression, even if it happens months or years after you started to feel okay. It isn’t a regression or stumble. It doesn’t mean you’re “broken” or “can’t heal.” It’s just another step in your grief journey. Seek help if you need it, but don’t see a bout of anger or deep sadness as a failure because it’s not.
“ACCEPTANCE” DOESN’T HAVE A FIXED DEFINITION: Just like every person’s grief is different, so is the emotional place we reach that allows us to carry on after a loss. For some, that could mean genuine acceptance. For others, it can mean learning to live with the pain or finding a project or cause to take their mind off it. No matter where you land emotionally with your grief or a person’s memory, as long as it doesn’t hurt you or others physically or emotionally, it’s okay to feel the way you do.
“HELP” ISN’T A FOUR-LETTER WORD: Grief is about understanding, processing, and eventually finding a healthy way to live with loss. Some grieving people find comfort in isolation. But one of the worst things you can do for yourself and your healing is walling yourself off from friends, family, relationships and — if you need it — professional counseling. Asking for and accepting help doesn’t mean you’re weak or “whiny.” It just means you’re human.
One thing that can help during the grieving process is channeling your energy toward positive change. That’s what Hope Movement Coalition is all about.
Our organization was created to turn pain into purpose by helping Arkansans who need a hand financially or a shoulder to lean on following a death due to fentanyl or other illicit drugs. We’re a community that knows where you’re coming from, because we’ve been where you are.
So don’t wait. Visit our website at hopemovementcoalition.com to see the full range of services and opportunities Hope Movement Coalition provides.
